"It's been a while since I've posted." I feel like this is how I should begin all of my entries. The past month has been taken up by the end of my academic career, some finals, lots of goodbyes, and a whole lot of wonder about the future. While this post doesn't have a whole lot to do with filmmaking, it does have to do with trying to be independent as a young person.
People keep asking me how filming is going, and the times I manage not to say "NO. I don't want to talk about that right now." I attempt a flippant "Progress is slow, but I'm on schedule to finish in the Fall". Just thinking about my project fills me with anxiety, I can't help but second guess my decisions, and since I have nobody to work with, all the back-and-forth goes on inside my head. How is my audio, is there really anything here, why am I not enjoying the progress of this city, isn't that the point? Where will I take this, what if I get the interviews and they DON'T make everything better? I didn't know anything about color grading before and barely do now, is that going to make my documentary look too amateur?
In an attempt to ease my worries I have begun hunting for an assistant editor, someone who doesn't have the contextual memory to go along with the image, because what I have discovered this past month, is that I have trouble seeing with my eyes. I see with my mind.. I know it sounds lame, but how I experience my surroundings largely takes place only in my head.
I keep thinking I just need to get my act together and bang this out but for some reason I can never find the path or maybe something about me doesn't want to find the path.
I did a bunch of research on what it means to be an LLC (Limited Liability Company) and what E&O insurance is. My conclusion is this: I don't know anything about business or law, I have never wanted to be a businessman, but if I decide to go down the road of independent filmmaking, I will have to be a businessman, not just a filmmaker. So I've started rethinking my decision to not look for jobs with a preexisting company.
Oh well, lots to think about, just know that I WILL NOT quit.
-Kevin
